Document 11D: Denise Yarfitz, "The Great Goddess Diana," script from Ready to Order? 25 April-1 May 1978. Author's personal collection.


Written by Denise Yarfitz
Developed & performed by Denise and Anne Gauldin

The Great Goddess Diana returns in Her symbolic form to the modern
day place of sustenance—the restaurant. She reveals Herself as
the spirit of nurturing within the female as Waitress….

To remind us of the ancient myth and the reverence in which she
was once held, to return with her caring and support to the soul
of present day women, to howl in outrage at her current debasement,
to bid us stop and reconsider the attitudes we take for granted
and the patterns by which we live,

To rekindle the proper relationship of love and respect between
giver and receiver.

* * * * * * * * *

The waitress speaks to her divine counterpart:

Diana was a goddess who was worshipped thousands of years ago.
Great Many-Breasted Mother, ruler and nourisher of the animal
kingdom, provider of sustenance both physical and spiritual for
all creatures great and small.
How could you stand it?
Sweat of reaching hands, open mouths, empty bellies
questioning, commanding, demanding
I must give everything to everyone, at once
or be devoured!

Friendly and smiling, giving
menu, silverware, placemat, napkin, food, spoon, drink.
Too hot too cold too little too much too thick too thin too rare
too well done
White, wheat or rye?
Eyes, ears, legs?
Thousand, roquefort, french?
The time, the price, the weather, the news, dessert, your check.
Thank you. Excuse me. Thank you. Excuse me. Thank you.
Are you ready to order? Something to drink?

Diana had hundreds of breasts. (I don't.)
I wonder if Sambo's would hire her.
There'd be a problem with the uniform but that would be offset
by her unique abilities. She could have the menu posted on her-
self, each breast labeled as to its particular nourishment.
No more agonized waiting time between ordering and gratification.
No more hassles with tempermental cooks, unreliable bar tenders.
No sirree, she's got everything built right in.
Diana, are you my guardian angel?
Did you get good tips?
Every restaurant should have one. Or at least, a shrine to her.

Yes, a shrine. A place where everyone—waitress and customer
alike, can pay homage to that great provider within each of us.


back to top